Hi everyone, just thought I would pop in for a moment. I have the Sunday blue's this evening. I having been getting so many headaches lately. I have been doing alot of soul searching these past few months and today it has me down. I have been thinking about my mom, & dad. I have also been reflecting on my childhood. The past few days I have been dwelling on my childhood, and thinking about how things may or could have been different. I feel like a big part of me has been robbed of the right to know my biological dad. It really saddends me that this part of my life was taken from me. I could kick myself for not trying to contact him sooner. I did come in contact with him about ten years ago. We were suppose to meet but he canceled at the last moment. I felt so rejected. I wish I had only knew how to get in touch with him sooner, and looking back now at the situation, I am sure I scared him just as much as I was scared. Anyway we did speak again briefly on the phone once I returned to Minnesota, but it was not the best conversation. So here we are now, ten years have passed and I am still thinking about him. So I did a little searching on the internet and found the information I needed and sat down and wrote him a long letter explaining how I felt. Excuse me while I wipe my tears. He immediately responded to me by sending me a letter, and some pictures of him. After 42 years I can finally say I have a dad and a face to go with the word. He called me on Friday night and we had a very long, nice conversation. I got to know a little bit more about him, and I am hoping to get the chance to know more. I just want to take things slowly and see where it goes. I can not handle anymore pain in my life. I am currently very freaked out about my next Oncology appointment which is in eight days. My gut tells me something else is brewing inside. I have been having really bad pains in my pelvic area again, and it feels like the pain I had before my surgery, and radiation treatments. I have not told my husband because I don't want him to worry about me. This cancer thing has been really hard on him. My heart broke when he broke down and told me everyone I love dies from cancer. Both his parents passed away from lung cancer. Plus he has other relatives that have passed away from cancer. He is the best husband anyone in the world could ask for. He stayed with me every night in the hospital. He slept on a recliner for six nights. I finally got to go home on the seventh day. Then he had a really tough time when I was hospitalized again for the internal radiation because after they placed the radiation inside me, he could not come in the room by me, because I was considered to be radioactive. That lasted for two days. I just love him so much. More than I could every do or say would explain how much he means to me. He gave me the strength and courage to let my step father know where to go. It was like seventeen years of bullshit were lifted off my shoulders. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. At that moment I learned how to stand up for myself, and not let anyone ever again use me as a door mat. It has made me a stronger person today, and I owe it all to my dear sweet husband. Thank you hun! Okay, I am feeling better now that I have gotten this off my chest. It is strange for me to open up and write like this, but it really helps me to deal with all the feelings I have inside. Good night to everyone for now. May you have a wonderful day full of happiness, and sunshine tomorrow. Chow!
